Wednesday, August 5, 2009

third person writing exercise: gratitude and the fist

To repeat the words Jackie said to Judy and to Brandon, "I'm having a hard time with closure on this book project because someone's fist is planted firmly up my ass. It's hard debrief or let go with someone's fist rammed up my ass."

No offense to the fisting fans, but what does that mean for Jackie? It means her heart and mind are threaded around and through a book called Flux. (She loves that it rhymes with sucks.) It's the first draft of the first book she's ever written. It's collaborative, it's raw, but it's thoughtful and Jackie thinks it will help. It will help foster kids, and hopefully some foster adults. And the pain is worth it for that reason alone. But fuck. They have to publish the first draft? Not fair that Jackie doesn't get to smooth things out, to polish it. Not fair that someone else has control.

Still, she's trying to reflect on the absolute gift this process has been. A thousand hours toward the 10,000 she needs to complete the apprenticeship. A thousand people, or so it feels, that have saturated Jackie with their stories, their lives. And a thousand opportunities to let go of being alone. Jackie has a long way to go, but at least she's going, and she would do it all over again, the dry-heaving-sobbing 1/on the bathroom floor, 2/on the orange bench beside her chalkboard 3/in her husband's arms, 4/ in her therapists office. She would do it all over again because she's discovered not only that she can write a book, but that she has a husband who believes in her. A husband whose refrain is "How can I help?"

That little-big question, asked over and over again amounts to love. Jackie is loved and she is acknowledging that love by wearing a long-line bra today. It's a training bra, really. Training for a corset. Jackie asked her husband how he wanted to be worshipped, in thanks for his refrain, and he said that he wants Jackie to wear one of three things every day, her choice: 1/ a corset, 2/high-heeled shoes, or 3/ a garter belt with stockings. Every single day. Doing it on special occasions isn't worship, that would be vague compliance or something. Special occasion effort wouldn't be passionate reciprocation of the the daily acts of belief and love.

Passionate reciprocation, or worship, or gratitude or whatever you want to call it, is exactly how Jackie plans to roll. But first, fist removal. It's easier for Jackie to remove the fist, now that she realizes it's her own.

Creative Commons License
Foster Princess Blog by Leigh Ecke is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.