Age Thirteen, 1986 (Metabolizing Material)

ONE:

Dear Mrs. Barr,

This letter is to let you know, in case you had not been advised, that Leigh has been adopted by my husband and I.  My reason for writing  was to seek your cooperation because the circumstances of this adoption are slightly unusual.  The state had picked Leigh for us and at the same time her paper work was presented to us we realized we had known her father, Lee, and her stepmother, Norma.  Although we hadn't seen them for quite awhile, we were quite shocked - we just didn't anticipate any familiarity w/ the child or her parents.  What we asking is that this fact remain confidential.  We don't think Lee and Norma know we adopted Leigh.  We figure they will know eventually, its just that we would like to put that off 'till later - after Leigh and the rest of our family had adjusted.  

Leigh speaks fondly about you and we hope you feel like corresponding with her.  

Carolyn Nelson (my third failed adoptive mother)

TWO:

Dear Diary Entries, spanning April 12-16, 1986 

12:40

Hello!  

I hate myself right now, I spent the night at Andrea's and my mom said to come down to the gate at  20 till 10, but Andrea thought 10:20 so I was in trouble! (Gym starts at 10.) Well the ultimatum has arisen as I expected.   Will I go all out gymnastics or quit?  Well anyway my mom was mad and I wanted to apologize but I didn't think it would help.  When we got home, my mom had a cow!  She's pissed at me and because I live here she and everyone in this family are getting uptight and strung out!  She yelled at Chris in for pigging out (which he really wasn't, he's only 7). And in the van she slapped Erin but Erin knew she would get spanked if she kept bugging her. 

 I wish I was little sometimes because I would be innocent.  I'm not.  

Andrea has some good books but sometimes I don't like her because she always wants revenge.  I'm like that but at least I know it and I'm trying to stop.  What shall I do? Erin is to (sic) wrapped up in "clothes" and no one else really cares.  Is there really a GOD?? Boy was I surprised.  Mrs. Reinheimer isn't baby-sitting us any more, I wonder why. Maybe it was me, I hope not.  What will we do?? I think I'm really going to work hard and try to do good in gymnastics.  It's me that's breaking this family up, maybe I should leave.  I don't know.  Who am I?  G-Bye. Talk to you later esp. about my dreams etc. 12:54 Maybe by then I can talk about Karen G-Bye friend. 

4-16-86

Hi!  Wow, I do want mom and dad to let me try out for drill team, I want it so bad I ache.  I have everything on my body crossed with hope! Oh well!  Oh God I miss Karen, so it's hard to accept she's no long a part in my life . That's hard!  Right now I'm not letting my emotions get ahold of me.  Oh well.  About my dreams, they scare me because I've had so many bad ones!  Anyway you know when you get that feeling of deja vu , well it used to happen alot, and it's from my dreams and that scares me.  

What also scares me is that I talk and walk in my sleep.  Someday I  might do something and not even know it! 

Wow! You know Drill Team costs $200.00, that's not cheap.  They better decide soon.  I'm sitting on pins and needles!  I have to do the play "The Cactus Wildcat."  I'm Nancy and I'm nervous about it.  WHO AM I? WHAT WILL I DO ABOUT MY LIFE? Got to do my homework! G-Bye!

4-16-86  10:21

Oh God they said no! And all because I'm on that stupid medication and "I can't control myself".  I HATE THEM RIGHT NOW!  How could they do this to me.  It mattered so much. I was counting on it.  I want to tell them I sort of understand where they're coming from but I want to try out so bad!  I'm too scared they'll laugh or something if I go to them.  I don't know.  There are other years, but this one is most important because

1.  I love to dance with music

2.  I've wanted to from age 9 or 10.

3. I want to show people I can do that and that I can work hard enough.

Mom and Dad don't see that I told them it was so I would belong because I thought that's what they wanted to hear.  Boy am I dumb! I really didn't want to work in that camp for the disabled.  We have people like that at our school and they give me the creeps but since they're not that old it won't be so bad. Boy I'm a Great Liar.  I feel better now but the problem's not resolved, I think I might try and talk to them.  Uh oh, I'm crying again!  Boy do I cry at inappropriate times.  And it is true about M (actually Carolyn) putting up the brick wall. The only time she laughs or smiles is when she's with her family.  I don't belong anywhere but Hell!  I always end up hurting people so badly.  Why ME? Wish I had a key to this.  People are so nosy.  Don would have to side with 'them'.  

THREE:


 Leigh Nelson to Mary U. Barr

Dear Granny, 

I"m so glad I heard from you and I must admit I'm not the greatest at writing letters.  Thank you for the necklace and the earings they are really beautiful.  

It's really strange hearing about everyone and I often wonder where time goes myself.  Anyway, I'm going into High School!  Wow, huh?  I'm slowly getting older.  I'm trying to brush up on my algebra and other skills like that but it's not going very well. There's one thing I want to say... Happy B-day and I love You!

Granny I think of you alot and I will make a serious effort to work on my letter writing skills. 

Bye, Bye. 

Love, Leigh

P.S. Tell everyone I said hello! 

P.S.S. I will send pictures in the next letter